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Monday, January 03, 2005
I had to remove this post due to certain medieval meddlings by my moronic parents. Eitherways, I believe that data wants to be free. I refuse to take it down. Just be diplomatic.....
Of Marriages and madnesses of the mind (Why are marriages so fucking
anally retentive)
Today is the day my elder brother is getting married. Usually a
marriage in most contexts would be occassions of joy (well atleast for
others than the groom and the bride), but in this case, it's an
excruciating ordeal that can best be described by the sound your
teacher makes when she scratched her nails across a blackboard. This
is not because my cousin is an irritating prat and a definitive
asshole (long years of practice put in tonking his head, has made this
fact a little irrelevant), but because the Marriage is a South Indian
one, which means....
Lose Hope all ye who enter here...
Believe me, South Indian marriages, are so ass backwards that strong
terms like "anally retentive" seem mild. They are so infruiatingly
conducted with that touch of the terrible 't' word, that I tremble at
the very thought. I am talking about of course... Tradition!!!!
Anything at all that does not make sense is put down in one word to
Tradition. Why does the groom wear an overgrown cactus on his head.
Tradition. Why is this the one day he is dressed in an overgrown
bedsheet. Tradition. Mind you, this from the same group of assholes
who till yesterday would not listen to M.S.Subulakshmi's concert on
their music systems because their kids, listen to only "Bryan Adams",
and they are proud of it....
Yeah! These same jokers are the ones who talk trade-ition today.
Trade-ition: When I trade my girl (prime liability number one), I am
allowed to make a fool of the groom. In order to do this, I invoke the
above rule of trade-ition.
Tradition demands conformance. Well that's all ok. I mean look at the
things that were built without conformance and what a mess they are.
The Ford Ikon, The Internet (from the perspective of a web developer
anyway), and my nose. But the conformance that this demands is nothing
short of...short of... anally retentive....
E.g. : You cannot eat with your left hand... Period... What the bloody
fuck????!!!!
Why not???? Tradition. So what if you are born a lefty and are that 1%
different from the rest of the world that most lefties are.... Well
then you are a low born only to be treated with the greatest of
derision. Bastards.....
So what's the level of conformance needed. Well, you gotta be like my
cousin. My cousin Arvind, is 5'8'' (perfect height), slightly built,
good hair, fair complexion (try doing without this), right handed, and
is an engineer, and an MBA to boot. Woohoohooo!!!! Blue chip, gilt
edged security...He is the original apple cheeked boy, whose last evil
thought was at the age of six, and was about stealing ice cream. Since
that time, he has taken a monastic view of life in general (read
homosexual), and has not thought about women, till at the age of 27,
when he is about to get married and holds the fond impression that we
all reproduce by osmosis.
And this paragon is getting married to a girl, who looks like the
offspring of Roderick Spode and Honoria Glossop (readers of
P.G.Wodehouse will know what I am talking about).
Against this you have a freak like me. Ambidexterous. Apt to confuse
left with right. Like swimming (when last did you see an Iyer
swim???), and hold radical views on everything from politics to
premarital sex (I don't mind as long as it's consenting). I am not
just the black sheep of the family man. I am an ichthyosaurus in deep
and ever fucked up trouble....
And in the midst of all this I committed the deadliest of sins of
eating with my left hand. Ooops!!! Arvind asks me to behave in a
dignified manner. I was a little perplexed and asked him to explain
it. He said that I should eat with my right. I told him I prefered my
left. But ah! no... eating with the left is tabooo..... Why???
Trade-ition. Which means I had to switch to my left, or face more and
more intrusive questions about which hand I used to fondle my ass....
Why am I using my left. Because I have fucking hemmaroids man... What
do you think.... Its an inbuilt thing like your homosexuality Arvind.
Have I ever wondered about why Arvind gets turned on by pictures of
Hitler, or likes plucking out his mush hair by hair. No I don't.
Because I am polite. So how does it matter which hand I use, as long
as I am not spilling fucking paysam all over his plate....
Let me state here. Arvind my man, you are one fucking asshole...
Plus lunch is at 4'0 clock. Yeah! 1600 hours. Can you believe that.
This after brekker at 7.00 in the morning. Can I eat in between. No.
Why not? Tradition. I suffer from ulcers and am apt to collapse if I
don't eat in between. Well that's good, but don't go anywhere near the
food, cos we have a tradition to live upto...
Plus they give you these little yellow bags at all these marriages.
Here we had to go to the groom's house and they gave us a yellow bag.
Then we went to the bride's house and they gave us another yellow bag.
Great. Now since they had given me two yellow bags, at both the
houses, and most of us were suffering extreme exhaustion due to hunger
(clue for the clueless: when you belch bile you are hungry), I thought
that the bags may actually have been put there with the express
intention of helping us out of this tight spot. I got that idea
because Arvind had got fed for brushing his teeth. Which made me
wonder did they in older times have to bribe the groom to brush his
teeth? This seems mildly logical only if the groom was a juvenille,
which could have been the case, child marriages then being all the
rage.
So I looked into the yellow bags, hoping for even that slightly
overripe banana which would have made life all the more sweeter, but
what did I find!!!
One fucking large coconut.
You bastards...
What am I to do with a fucking large coconut...
I can't eat it you nutcases. Yes! Mr. Traditionally traditional
fucking idiot Srinivasan (father of the bride). What do I do with the
bloody coconut. Bash it on your head.
What act of madness led you to give a hungry man a bloody coconut...
Guess what else I found....
One mirror and a fucking comb......
Great, here I am about to die of sheer hunger, and the hosts would
actually like me to be more presentable so that I could atleast
pretend to be a smart corpse.
Which is what most South Indian marriages are.
Pretence hiding behind the back of Tradition...
I'd like to end this rant here. I am thoroughly exhausted and I have a
reception to attend ( I'm a masochist on a diet).
But I leave with this...well these... questions still pounding my brain....
Why are South Indian Marriages so anally fucking retentive, and why
did they put that fucking coconut in that fucking yellow bag????
Do leave your comments. Guys who explain the appearance of the coconut
will be suitably rewarded. I plan to invite them to my wedding.
And yes! I do plan to marry a North Indian, and the bride looks after
the ceremony
posted by Winter @ 4:18 PM 4 comments
4 Comments:
At 9:52 AM, Anonymous said...
Yaaru da North Indian?
Venkat
At 2:25 AM, ~ythee~ said...
As you rightly mentioned most of these un-reasonable (to some)
activities during south Indian marriages though exist are evolving and
are becoming convenience based. for example, the 5day format got
reduced to 3 days mainly because of one's financial capacity. The so
called "Jaanvaasam" in non-existent now. A lot of people that want to
stand on the critic side never even attempt to understand the
reasoning behind these activities. I personally am neutral, am not
completely against "Tradition", that is what identifies you otherwise
you would still be the pre-stone age or ice-age man(Homosapiens to be
polotically correct). But, the X-Gen. rebels that are now criticizing
the tradition are working towards making the reverse evolution process
a reality.
I wonder how a typical South Indian Marriage be 100 years from
now. People will start eating straight using their mouth, completely
eliminating the prejudice of using the right over the left hand. Why
can't we suck the food straight from the plate, hell with the taboo.
The "Thaamboolam" pack will have an energy bar and a nintendo game
boy. That way the odd evening lunch will not hurt your stomach and
nintendo will help you kill time :-)
At 7:11 PM, Anonymous said...
a, the boy having to wear a turban is not south indian. get your
facts straight.
b, janavaasam is north indian.
c, you know why the left hand taboo exists. expecting someone to
remember you are well adept with your left hand when he's seen you
using your right is an example of your bloated self worth. wake up and
smell the coffee.
d, tamizh custom and clothing are an angavasthram and dhoti.
what's more comforting for a place where winter is 24C?
In fact tamizh iyer weddings are probably the best and most fun
things around. there's a reason behind every tradition n custom. that
you don't take the trouble to find out doesn't make them stupid.
the coconut question? i'll give you the specific case which
explains why it was given to _you_ rather than why most people get it
(chutney). It was given to you as a symbol that something as simple as
a coconut has more brains than you.
At 8:41 AM, Winter said...
In reply to parent:
a) Observe the rituals closely. We are not talking of the turban,
but a specific time when the vathiyars wrap a towel around the boy's
head. Very symbolic of whatchamacallit in the boy's life.
b) The januvassam is not strictly north indian. Flip to your
parent's album (assuming the normal things here), and you'll find that
it's a tradition very happily observed by southies, alas, devoid of
much of the merry making you find elsewhere.
c) I really fail to see why anybody should object to which hand I
use, considering it's my own mouth. How would you like it if I came
and asked you why you have this prediliction for posting anonymous
posts? Is it because your mom ran out of your dad during the wedding?
Or is it because you have hemmaroids? Somethings are rather private to
the individual. Learn to respect their choices. This is a
get-together, not a commie meeting.
d) I don't know which tamil iyer weddings you did attend but whee
boy. Let me tell you. They aren't the fun things around.
e) And I do know why you like the coconut so much. Confess!!!! I
am sure you use it to stick it into your backside.
Post a Comment
Of Marriages and madnesses of the mind (Why are marriages so fucking
anally retentive)
Today is the day my elder brother is getting married. Usually a
marriage in most contexts would be occassions of joy (well atleast for
others than the groom and the bride), but in this case, it's an
excruciating ordeal that can best be described by the sound your
teacher makes when she scratched her nails across a blackboard. This
is not because my cousin is an irritating prat and a definitive
asshole (long years of practice put in tonking his head, has made this
fact a little irrelevant), but because the Marriage is a South Indian
one, which means....
Lose Hope all ye who enter here...
Believe me, South Indian marriages, are so ass backwards that strong
terms like "anally retentive" seem mild. They are so infruiatingly
conducted with that touch of the terrible 't' word, that I tremble at
the very thought. I am talking about of course... Tradition!!!!
Anything at all that does not make sense is put down in one word to
Tradition. Why does the groom wear an overgrown cactus on his head.
Tradition. Why is this the one day he is dressed in an overgrown
bedsheet. Tradition. Mind you, this from the same group of assholes
who till yesterday would not listen to M.S.Subulakshmi's concert on
their music systems because their kids, listen to only "Bryan Adams",
and they are proud of it....
Yeah! These same jokers are the ones who talk trade-ition today.
Trade-ition: When I trade my girl (prime liability number one), I am
allowed to make a fool of the groom. In order to do this, I invoke the
above rule of trade-ition.
Tradition demands conformance. Well that's all ok. I mean look at the
things that were built without conformance and what a mess they are.
The Ford Ikon, The Internet (from the perspective of a web developer
anyway), and my nose. But the conformance that this demands is nothing
short of...short of... anally retentive....
E.g. : You cannot eat with your left hand... Period... What the bloody
fuck????!!!!
Why not???? Tradition. So what if you are born a lefty and are that 1%
different from the rest of the world that most lefties are.... Well
then you are a low born only to be treated with the greatest of
derision. Bastards.....
So what's the level of conformance needed. Well, you gotta be like my
cousin. My cousin Arvind, is 5'8'' (perfect height), slightly built,
good hair, fair complexion (try doing without this), right handed, and
is an engineer, and an MBA to boot. Woohoohooo!!!! Blue chip, gilt
edged security...He is the original apple cheeked boy, whose last evil
thought was at the age of six, and was about stealing ice cream. Since
that time, he has taken a monastic view of life in general (read
homosexual), and has not thought about women, till at the age of 27,
when he is about to get married and holds the fond impression that we
all reproduce by osmosis.
And this paragon is getting married to a girl, who looks like the
offspring of Roderick Spode and Honoria Glossop (readers of
P.G.Wodehouse will know what I am talking about).
Against this you have a freak like me. Ambidexterous. Apt to confuse
left with right. Like swimming (when last did you see an Iyer
swim???), and hold radical views on everything from politics to
premarital sex (I don't mind as long as it's consenting). I am not
just the black sheep of the family man. I am an ichthyosaurus in deep
and ever fucked up trouble....
And in the midst of all this I committed the deadliest of sins of
eating with my left hand. Ooops!!! Arvind asks me to behave in a
dignified manner. I was a little perplexed and asked him to explain
it. He said that I should eat with my right. I told him I prefered my
left. But ah! no... eating with the left is tabooo..... Why???
Trade-ition. Which means I had to switch to my left, or face more and
more intrusive questions about which hand I used to fondle my ass....
Why am I using my left. Because I have fucking hemmaroids man... What
do you think.... Its an inbuilt thing like your homosexuality Arvind.
Have I ever wondered about why Arvind gets turned on by pictures of
Hitler, or likes plucking out his mush hair by hair. No I don't.
Because I am polite. So how does it matter which hand I use, as long
as I am not spilling fucking paysam all over his plate....
Let me state here. Arvind my man, you are one fucking asshole...
Plus lunch is at 4'0 clock. Yeah! 1600 hours. Can you believe that.
This after brekker at 7.00 in the morning. Can I eat in between. No.
Why not? Tradition. I suffer from ulcers and am apt to collapse if I
don't eat in between. Well that's good, but don't go anywhere near the
food, cos we have a tradition to live upto...
Plus they give you these little yellow bags at all these marriages.
Here we had to go to the groom's house and they gave us a yellow bag.
Then we went to the bride's house and they gave us another yellow bag.
Great. Now since they had given me two yellow bags, at both the
houses, and most of us were suffering extreme exhaustion due to hunger
(clue for the clueless: when you belch bile you are hungry), I thought
that the bags may actually have been put there with the express
intention of helping us out of this tight spot. I got that idea
because Arvind had got fed for brushing his teeth. Which made me
wonder did they in older times have to bribe the groom to brush his
teeth? This seems mildly logical only if the groom was a juvenille,
which could have been the case, child marriages then being all the
rage.
So I looked into the yellow bags, hoping for even that slightly
overripe banana which would have made life all the more sweeter, but
what did I find!!!
One fucking large coconut.
You bastards...
What am I to do with a fucking large coconut...
I can't eat it you nutcases. Yes! Mr. Traditionally traditional
fucking idiot Srinivasan (father of the bride). What do I do with the
bloody coconut. Bash it on your head.
What act of madness led you to give a hungry man a bloody coconut...
Guess what else I found....
One mirror and a fucking comb......
Great, here I am about to die of sheer hunger, and the hosts would
actually like me to be more presentable so that I could atleast
pretend to be a smart corpse.
Which is what most South Indian marriages are.
Pretence hiding behind the back of Tradition...
I'd like to end this rant here. I am thoroughly exhausted and I have a
reception to attend ( I'm a masochist on a diet).
But I leave with this...well these... questions still pounding my brain....
Why are South Indian Marriages so anally fucking retentive, and why
did they put that fucking coconut in that fucking yellow bag????
Do leave your comments. Guys who explain the appearance of the coconut
will be suitably rewarded. I plan to invite them to my wedding.
And yes! I do plan to marry a North Indian, and the bride looks after
the ceremony
posted by Winter @ 4:18 PM 4 comments
4 Comments:
At 9:52 AM, Anonymous said...
Yaaru da North Indian?
Venkat
At 2:25 AM, ~ythee~ said...
As you rightly mentioned most of these un-reasonable (to some)
activities during south Indian marriages though exist are evolving and
are becoming convenience based. for example, the 5day format got
reduced to 3 days mainly because of one's financial capacity. The so
called "Jaanvaasam" in non-existent now. A lot of people that want to
stand on the critic side never even attempt to understand the
reasoning behind these activities. I personally am neutral, am not
completely against "Tradition", that is what identifies you otherwise
you would still be the pre-stone age or ice-age man(Homosapiens to be
polotically correct). But, the X-Gen. rebels that are now criticizing
the tradition are working towards making the reverse evolution process
a reality.
I wonder how a typical South Indian Marriage be 100 years from
now. People will start eating straight using their mouth, completely
eliminating the prejudice of using the right over the left hand. Why
can't we suck the food straight from the plate, hell with the taboo.
The "Thaamboolam" pack will have an energy bar and a nintendo game
boy. That way the odd evening lunch will not hurt your stomach and
nintendo will help you kill time :-)
At 7:11 PM, Anonymous said...
a, the boy having to wear a turban is not south indian. get your
facts straight.
b, janavaasam is north indian.
c, you know why the left hand taboo exists. expecting someone to
remember you are well adept with your left hand when he's seen you
using your right is an example of your bloated self worth. wake up and
smell the coffee.
d, tamizh custom and clothing are an angavasthram and dhoti.
what's more comforting for a place where winter is 24C?
In fact tamizh iyer weddings are probably the best and most fun
things around. there's a reason behind every tradition n custom. that
you don't take the trouble to find out doesn't make them stupid.
the coconut question? i'll give you the specific case which
explains why it was given to _you_ rather than why most people get it
(chutney). It was given to you as a symbol that something as simple as
a coconut has more brains than you.
At 8:41 AM, Winter said...
In reply to parent:
a) Observe the rituals closely. We are not talking of the turban,
but a specific time when the vathiyars wrap a towel around the boy's
head. Very symbolic of whatchamacallit in the boy's life.
b) The januvassam is not strictly north indian. Flip to your
parent's album (assuming the normal things here), and you'll find that
it's a tradition very happily observed by southies, alas, devoid of
much of the merry making you find elsewhere.
c) I really fail to see why anybody should object to which hand I
use, considering it's my own mouth. How would you like it if I came
and asked you why you have this prediliction for posting anonymous
posts? Is it because your mom ran out of your dad during the wedding?
Or is it because you have hemmaroids? Somethings are rather private to
the individual. Learn to respect their choices. This is a
get-together, not a commie meeting.
d) I don't know which tamil iyer weddings you did attend but whee
boy. Let me tell you. They aren't the fun things around.
e) And I do know why you like the coconut so much. Confess!!!! I
am sure you use it to stick it into your backside.
Post a Comment
